Two media men try to kill Satan

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By MORTZ C. ORTIGOZA

Recently I dropped by at the camp of the Macanlalays (re-electionist Mayor Mark and Vice Mayor Roy) in Calasiao.
 One of their supporters ridiculed the campaign strategies of retired colonel Roger Danoli and Wilson de Vera who challenged for the mayoralty Mayor Mark. He said Danoli would ask his supporter to gather the surnames of the people in the place he is going to barnstorm so he could include in his speech before the throng there that those surnames have been related to him by consanguinity or affinity.
 “Kamag-anak kayo ng pinsan ng lolo ko sa nanay” something like that the supporter narrated. Thus Danoli is dubbed by the Macanlalays’ fans as scheming “Maka-Nayon (kinship friendly) candidate”
He said de Vera is “Mayabang”(full of hubris). Why? He explained that in the husting, Tigno would bragged to the crowd that if the Macanlalays (Mark and his reelectionist father vice mayor Roy) have P50 million campaign chest to pour up to the May 13, 2013 polls he has the same wherewithal to spend for the sorties and the mobs.
 “E kung ganoon karami ang pera niya, bakit noong tinakbo sa hospital ang tatay niya dinala lang nila sa (government owned) Regional hospital in Dagupan City? Bakit hindi sa (private hospitals) Nazareth or Villaflor?
 ***
 I enjoyed listening to the marvels of this supporter in the Pangasinan’s dialect. He told me that a former elective government official in the town has been rushed to the hospital because of cardiac arrest. When a mayor visited him, the former elective official (a multi-millionaire government contractor, unmitigated womanizer, and incorrigible gambler) confided to the town’s executive that he experienced how to die. “Pinasyal ako ni San Pedro sa langit. Malungkot pala doon. Kung hindi lagi nagdadasal ang mga tao, nasa simbahan sila. Saka ang mga damit doon kulay puti lahat. Noong dinala ako ni San Pedro sa impierno “lasi bale-bale demad luksab, maliket amay tu-o (Geez, the scene downstairs in hell was refreshing because people there were in high spirit).
He cited that beer houses there abound and there were a lot of sexy GROs (acronym of guess relation officers), there were lots of gambling houses like cockpit arenas, casinos, you name it”
 He told St. Peter that he rather stayed in hell than die again in boredom in heaven. But the goatee sporting gate keeper who wears a flour- like sack of clothe did not answer him as his (contractor) servant woke him up.
***
Was it true that chevon ( goat meat) eating media men Atong Remogat and Ronel de Vera experienced to die temporarily too?
 Broadcaster Dennis Mojares narrated to me that in his dream the duo were welcomed by Satan, the inebriated Atong and Ronel thought Satan was the goat that escaped when it was being prepared to be slaughtered during my birthday last month.
“Iyon ang kambing na pulutan (finger food) dapat natin sa birthday ni Mortz na bigay ni colonel noong isang buwan!”
Atong, holding a machete, exclaimed to Ronel who was holding a kuatro kantos marka demonyo gin as they chased the terrorized goat- looking king of darkness.
 According to Dennis the trembling but furious Satan asked for their immediate deportation to the heathen earth. “Mga hayop na iyon, gusto pa akong patayin!” Satan contemptuously quipped.
 ***
In a press conference lately, a faith healer in Central Pangasinan asked media men who among them have sexed with a ghost. One of the media practitioners who have long been sacked from his work raised his hand. The quack doctor, er, faith healer who treat foreigners surprisingly asked him: “Really, you experienced to have sex with the ghost?” “Ay, akala ko goat, ghost pala iyong tanong niyo (O, I thought it was a goat, not the ghost that you asked),” the embarrassed media man quipped in the vernacular.
 ***
Since December last year three mayors of Pangasinan died. One was murdered while the other two succumbed in a heart attack. After the death of one of them, the spouse of the newly installed mayor asked the maintainer of number games Jai-Alai (played like illegal gambling jueteng) if the new mayor could get the three months advance or until June 30 (the end of the term of the mayor) (that runs to P1 million monthly or P3 million in three months) so they can use it for the election campaign. My source said the management of Meridian declined.
 ***
After the other mayor died, his family thought that the vice mayor who became the mayor would still give them a substantial share of the revenues from Jai-Alai because one of the sons of the mayor runs for public office. The new mayor, according to my source, did not honor it. “The following day after his (former mayor) death, the newly installed mayor asked the maintainer to remit to him all of the daily payola”. I told the source that it is but normal for the mayor to get all the protection monies due him. The mayor has to shell-out everyday a sum to all the indigents that pester him for solicitation and alms everyday at his home and office. “His salary of P40 thousand a month would only be enough for one to two days of patronage,” I quipped. ***
 My source at the police told me that the monthly share of the chief of police (COP) from jai-alai of the two towns in the 3rd Congressional District are bigger than the share of the COP in a burgeoning city. “Binabawasan kasi ni mayor iyong binibigay kay hepe (whose rank is a Lieutenant Colonel),” my source said. He bemoaned that the COP receives now less than P200 thousand a month unlike his predecessor before the 2010 election who received almost P400 thousand a month from jueteng. “Kawawa iyong chief of police kasi doon sa less than P200 thousand sa jai-alai kasama na doon ang budget ng pagka-in at ibang operation ng police”.
 ***
The late Lingayen Mayor Jonas Castaneda governs the capital town for 18 years as hizzoner. His reigned was cut short after his wife Josefina or “Iday” won the mayoralty race and served the town for three years. I wrote before that in case I become a mayor (aheem!) somewhere in the Republic of Timbukto I would replicate how Jonas ran the town. Imagine, every body can enter his office whether one is with the upper, middle, or lower classes. What his constituents would do is patiently waits for his turns on the rows of empty chairs inside his office until he was through with his earlier callers. From a mother who needs a sum to buy milk for her newly born baby to a group of intoxicated constituents wearing boxer shirt, short, and slippers who need monies to buy another round of liquor would be going home with satisfaction after Castaneda gave them a token. “Panangaro (My love for you) as he extended a folded P100 or P200 bill to the hand of the needy.
 ***
In New York (U.S.A not Cubao, Quezon City) Mayor Michael Bloomberg implements a new policy for healthy living among his constituents. All cigarettes henceforth would no longer be displayed in the counter. If one buys Marlboro or Philip Morris, er, Benson & Hedges one has to ask the sales person of a store like 7-11 who hide the life threatening products in some drawers. In a forum at Fox TV, some consumer advocates freaked out to Mayor Bloomberg ‘s policy. They feared that someday the mayor would hide from the public eye beer, cholesterol laden hamburger, and others that are detrimental to health. “Do we Americans have no freedom to be fat, or to enjoy the luxury of a cigarette?” one of them posed to the anchor man. (You can read my selected columns at http://mortzortigoza.blogspot.com and articles at Pangasinan News Aro. You can send comments too at totomortz@yahoo.com).